Separation, is just a different kind of helpless

Justin left this morning. I started missing him since last night. He looks excited. Maybe because he is looking forward to reading his favorite books he left at China. Or he is just too young to understand separation.

The first time in my memory that I felt afraid of separation was when I was six. My mom went to a business trip to Southern China for a month. I cried miserably beside the train. I was hoping that my mom would lift me up into the train through the window. But it never happened. I spent the whole month with my father, whom I guess I am not fond of in the first sight we met each other. Well, it is another story.

Somehow it was the only and last time I could remember I cried out due to separation in public. Throughout my late childhood and early adolescence I started to get used to being alone. I was always alone at home if no school. I did not cry when my parents left me in college. I even did not turn around again to say good bye. My mom always remember that scene and remind me of her disappointment and hurtfulness several times since then. I never told my mom I remember the scene not less clear at all. I remember the sky was gray. The weather was stuffy. We were on the stone road at the front of the hot water room which no longer exists on the campus. And the thermo bottle was pretty heavy to me.

Well, the truth was, I dare not to look back. Ever since then I learned to not to look back. Everything will just keep on going and nothing will come back.

Two years ago, I tried to take care of Justin all by myself. I felt deep helpless. It was like there were only Justin and me in the world. Nobody we could reach out to ask for help. We were sealed into a closed space. It was a winter with frequent snowstorms which made us two even more isolated.

Well, now, I am missing Justin. It is another kind of helpless. It was like I am so useless and could not stay together with my own kid at his young age.

He was at the other end of the waiting line. I watched him until he disappeared. He was talking, smiling, laughing, playing with the fence, and making all kinds of trouble he would think of. He is so small. But I believe he already felt his difference from the other kids since he lives with his maternal grandparents instead of daddy and mommy.

One day, he said, mommy, you should feel happy since you are able to live with your both parents together.